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its cny first day...it should be a happy day but lots of things happened..

i hate myself...i told myself to finish it up...but i just couldn't and i fell asleep...
making me to continue at this hour..but i just couldn't...seems that alot of things is bothering me...

my heels broke...well its not my new heels...when i look at it this morning i have a thinking that the strap will break..indeed..it broken...and its my favourite heels..haiz...

bai nian at my 外婆 and 外公 house... because i don't get to see them often? they seems to be older then i thought... a feeling of heartache... every cny they would be stay in the living room talking and laughing together with us... but today...its not.. 外公 came out from his room slowly..and i bai nian with him...he slowly gave us hong bao and stuff...his actions told me he is aged..but very long...really long till 外婆 come out from her room... her movements...reminded me of my ah ma that passsed away.. im afraid..
she used to be walking alot faster..but today..its just not her...she don't remember us? she seems blur blur...when i shake her hand...her hand was not moving...im afraid...

got home...my aunt called... she says that 外婆 might tio stroke... bringing her to hospital... thats what my mummy says...i felt useless at that point...and i told her that no wonder when i shake her hand..her hand is not opening...my mummy blamed me for not saying...i felt her heart is painful...she is very worried...but i cant help...my 外婆 is stubborn too..and she refused to go hospital...haizz....what should i do??

im afraid 生离死别~ humans are getting weaker...being attack by lots diseases...us..being so young might just go...even doctor don't know why...it became very scary...it seems that people around me is leaving... or am i the one leaving? mummy warned me after she hung up with aunty~ "you better sleep enough and don't rush your stuff till so stress...you might ended up having stroke too~"

i felt lost...i needed him...since yesterday..but he just cant be there for me...things are getting wrong..i knew im unreasonable...but cant he understand and ask me what happened? i dun want quarrels...but i just dun understand~~~~im tired..real tired...alot of things seems bothering me...i want to get out of this feeling..please~

sorry but cny first day should be sth happy...i just want to let it out...

ah ma...i misses you alot...really alot...i misses the days when i sleep at your lap...cuddle around you...always help us when mummy wanted to beat us... i really misses you...even though my memory with you is min. but i always remember how you patted my back to put me to sleep when i'm young...really misses you~

how i wish there will be no death~ being together with your family is the happiest thing in life...they were your family...your friend...and your soul...nobody will understand you better than them... spent time with them before you regret..cause nobody will predict what its like tomorrow...

tata